Weddings, Women, and the Media

Vol. 1: Don't Get Screwed Before the Honeymoon

For some stupid reason I was thinking about how much the media has skewed women’s ideals with regard to jewelry, weddings, and other frivolities, when I decided to sit down and just get out in the open what any prospective partner should expect should they even entertain the notion of courting me.

Keep in mind that this is only a rough draft, and while certain items are non-negotiable (See “The Electric Slide”), I am open to the possibility of compromise on others, depending on how stupid you are being.

Wedding/Engagement Ring

There is a high probability that your ring may be purchased from the pawn shop. Please don’t mistake thriftiness for lack of feeling towards you. This is due mostly to fiscal responsibility, but also to a knowledge that no woman is literally worth her weight in gold. Remember, as is so often the case with the bride themselves, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.

Catering

The night before our wedding will be spent not in nervous yet romantic anticipation, but rather preparing the majority of the food for the reception. There is absolutely no reason to spend an astronomical amount of money on catering, feeding people who are only there for the booze anyway. Ninety percent of those in attendance will probably be there for the bride anyway, so they can eat hotdogs and potato salad for all I care.

Music

Under no circumstance will the following songs be played at our wedding: “The Electric Slide”, “Macarena”, “YMCA”, or “Boot Scootin’ Boogie”. I detest both these “songs” and their corresponding “dances”, and will not tolerate them. This is a wedding, not a steak fry. Those wishing to dance will have ample opportunity to demonstrate their skills to Chopin’s Waltz Op.64 No.1.

DJs will strictly adhere to prearranged music, and may not deviate for any reason from said list. Doing so will result in forfeiture of payment. I will not have some asshole substituting Bryan Adams’ “Run To You” or "Heaven" with such abominations as “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman” or “(Everything I Do) I Do it for You”.

Guests

Our wedding will be by invitation only, and guests will be admitted only after showing proper ID. There will be security at all entrances.

Honeymoon

Our honeymoon will be spent playing Scrabble, chess, or Monopoly, after which time you will be free to do whatever while I sit on the computer and drink coffee, or depending on the day’s events, beer.