Breaking News: Santa Detained. Replaced by Holiday Czar.

Santa Claus, the once loved Christian gift giver, and ambassador of goodwill and holiday cheer, was detained at his residence Monday afternoon by order of President Obama. Formal charges are pending, but in a statement Monday afternoon by White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, the President had become “...increasingly concerned by allegations of wrongdoing and abuse of office on the part of Mr. Claus.”, citing the recent surfacing of documents which have been described as Santa’s “Naughty/Nice lists”.

President Obama, in his weekly address stated, “This kind of favoritism goes against everything that we as Americans hold dear. When we give people the power to reward only good behavior, and punish bad behavior, well, that’s just not what America is all about.”

Santa’s arrest comes just weeks after protests from parents of naughty children outside toy stores in New York and Los Angeles, where Santa was scheduled to appear (at the same time, coincidentally). Parents calling for reform lined the streets in protest of what one parent called “blatant and shameful bias”, which she added, “…made my little Billy cry.”

In the meantime, President Obama has named Jacob Goldstein as acting Holiday Czar, pending Santa’s investigation.


Thomas Robertson II © 2009

"Twas the Night Before a Non-Denominational Holiday"

Twas the night before a non-denominational holiday, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The gender-neutral footwear were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that Robert, the secular gift giver, soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-free snacks danced in their heads.
And my “life partner” in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

When out in the community garden there arose such a clatter,
I carefully rose from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
And opened it carefully, lifting with my legs and not my back.

The moon on the surface of the new-fallen snow
Gave the perception of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering, yet non-intrusive eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight developmentally challenged reindeer.

With an elderly driver, so cognitive and alert,
I knew in a moment it must be Robert.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And in a non-threatening tone he whispered, and encouraged them them by name!

“Now, Keshia! Now, Selena! Now Miguel and LeBron!
On, Ahmed! On, Emilio! On Leroy and John!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of learning aids, and Bob too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Robert came with a bound.

He was dressed all in 100% cotton, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of learning aids he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a teacher, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they were average, his skin color indistinct!
His cheeks were flushed by blood pressure, but he proclaimed that he neither smokes nor drinks!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

The stump of a carrot stick he held tight in his teeth,
And happy sparkles encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
So I informed him of the dangers of trans fats and jelly!

He was obese, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, and was thoroughly ashamed of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Gave me concern that he may have ingested dangerous levels of lead.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the gender-neutral footwear, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
" A happy non-denominational holiday to all, and to all a good-night!"


Thomas Robertson II © 2009

"I Want a Hypothalamus for Christmas"

Here's another song I hate. I am so friggin' glad I'm as clever as I am, or I would have to suffer with the originals all season long.

I Want a Hypothalamus for Christmas

I want a hypothalamus for Christmas
Only a hypothalamus will do
Don't want a cerebellum, no cerebral cortex
I want a hypothalamus to regulate blood pressure and fat

I want a hypothalamus for Christmas
I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?
He won't have to use a dirty scalpel too
Just shove it through my nasal cavity
that's the easy thing to do

I can see me now on Christmas morning,
creeping to the tree
Oh what joy and what surprise
When I open up my eyes
to find a hypothalamus to attach to my pituitary

I want a hypothalamus for Christmas
Only a hypothalamus will do
No frontal lobe, no medulla oblongata
Just a hypothalamus
It’s the only thing I want-a

(Short Music Interlude)

Mom says the hypothalamus would help me read, but then
I found out the hypothalamus controls a different region

(Short Music Interlude)

There's lots of room for it right between my ears
Just above my brain stem, right between the hemispheres

I can see me now on Christmas morning,
creeping to the tree
Oh what joy and what surprise
When I open up my eyes
to find a hypothalamus to attach to my pituitary

I want a hypothalamus for Christmas
Only a hypothalamus will do
No occipital lobe or left or right thalamuseses
I only like hypothalamuseses
And hypothalamuses like me too!


Thomas Robertson II © 2009

"The Christmas Teeth"

I absolutely hate "The Christmas Shoes". Hate it, hate it, hate it! That and "Mary Did You Know?", and "Cup of Christmas Tea". To quote one of only memorable lines Ben Stiller has ever uttered, "You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up!"

Also, there are not many Christmas songs for us here Appalachians, so this rewrite serves two purposes.

If you must, have a happy holiday season.

THE CHRISTMAS TEETH

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in the Wal-Mart line
Trying to buy that last can of Skoal, hoping that they served it cold
Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing ‘round like he had to pee
And in his hand he held a set of teeth

His clothes were worn and old, and his jacket black and gold
And when it came time to pay
I couldn’t believe what I heard his say

Sir, I want to buy these teeth for my Mama, please
It’s Christmas Eve and these teeth are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Pa said there ain’t much time
You see, dinner’s been cooking quite a while
And I know these teeth will fix her smile
And I want her to be able to chew, when Mama eats dinner tonight

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said, “Son, there ain’t ‘nough here”
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me
He said, “Mama made Christmas good at our house
Though most years we all just did without out
Tell me sir, you wanna buy some weed,
So I can buy her these Christmas teeth?”

So I laid the 411 down, told him there’s plenty of jobs around
I’ll never forget the look on his face as he grabbed my wallet and ran out the place

Sir, I want to buy these teeth for my Mama, please
It’s Christmas Eve and these teeth are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Pa said there ain’t much time
You see, dinner’s been cooking quite a while
And I know these teeth will fix her smile
And I want her to be able to chew, when Mama eats dinner tonight

*For parody and amusement only.

Wal-Mart v. Santa: Toy Makers Allege Antitrust

Plaintiff, Wal-Mart Stores, Inc.

v.

North Pole Industries, a North Pole corporation, Defendant

Case No. 1225

Trial By Jury Demanded


1.

Plaintiff Wal-Mart Stores, Inc. (Wal-Mart) alleges upon information and belief the following against Defendant North Pole Industries (Santa):


I.

INTRODUCTION


1.

Santa has engaged in a systematic worldwide campaign of illegal, exclusionary conduct to maintain its monopoly power and prices in the market for toys, the gifts of choice at Christmas. By exacting exclusive or near-exclusive agreements from large toy makers (“Original Toy Manufacturers” or “OTMs”) in exchange for payments totaling billions of dollars, and threatening retaliation against any company that did not heed his wishes, Santa robbed his competitors of the opportunity to challenge Santa’s dominance in key segments of the market. This illegal behavior was highly detrimental to consumers, competition, and innovation.


2.

Starting in 2001, the threat from competition became salient with Santa. Santa’s biggest toy competitor, Wal-Mart, had begun developing toys that not only competed with Santa’s offerings, but were in many ways more desirable, being less expensive, in part due to cheap Chinese labor, and the use of lead-based paints, as opposed to the use of more costly “lead-free” paints.


3.

In response, Santa launched an illegal campaign to deprive Wal-Mart of distribution channels and consumers of product choice and lower prices. In order to achieve exclusivity or severe limitations on an OTM’s purchase and offering of Wal-Mart toys, Santa paid hundreds of millions – in some cases billions – of dollars in “rebates.” Although Santa tried to disguise the anticompetitive nature of these payments, they bore no genuine relationship to pro-competitive, volume-based discounts or reasonable efforts to meet specific competitive offers.


4.

At the same time, Santa threatened OTMs with retaliation if they persisted in dealing with Wal-Mart. These threats took a variety of forms, including funding an OTM’s competitors to directly compete against it, ending any current payments that the OTM received from Santa, and ending joint development ventures.


5.

The OTMs, struggling with narrow profit margins and fearing that Santa would retaliate by subsidizing their competitors to undersell them, often conformed to Santa’s demands. For example, in exchange for billions of dollars in rebate payments and other benefits, Family Dollar Stores, Inc. (Family Dollar)agreed not to sell any Wal-Mart products from 2001 to 2006.


6.

When Santa could not prevent OTMs from dealing with Wal-Mart altogether, it generally succeeded in greatly limiting the extent to which the OTMs brought Wal-Mart-based products to market. In 2002, Santa reached an agreement with KB Toys, Inc. (KB) – subsequently extended to 2004 – which, in exchange for hundreds of millions of dollars, capped KB’s sales of Wal-Mart-based toys at 5%, guaranteeing Santa 95%.


7.

Moreover, in the highly profitable video game market, after being offered a $130 million payment from Santa and receiving various threats, Electronic Arts, Inc. (EA) agreed to cancel one planned Wal-Mart-based product entirely and to market another only on an “unbranded” basis.


8.

By these means and others, Santa has distorted competition and harmed consumers, depriving them of the lower prices and increased rates of innovation which competition would have yielded. Absent Santa’s illegal acts, prices would likely have been lower, product innovation more dynamic, and consumer gains greater.


Thomas Robertson II © 2009

You Know You're from South Wheeling If...

Your house has ever been broken into and the only things missing are your Playstation and a gallon of milk.

Your gang has it's own custom t-shirts, hats, and visors. (All of which are for sale)

You've ever hooked-up at St. Mary's.

You've ever been paid in tomatoes.

You've ever broken into someone's house to repossess goods not paid for.

You have to shut your phone off on weekends because you own a pickup.

You've ever slept in your car in case you were still too drunk in the morning to drive back to the bar.

You have your cable shut off after Christmas.

You were ever babysat in a bar.

You had your first date at Susie's, your baby shower at the Double J, and your wedding reception at the Kain Club. (In that order)

When having a cook-out, you buy 1 case of Bud, 1 case of Bud Light, a 6pack of Mic Ultra, 1 bottle of Crown, and 1 pack of hotdogs.

Your kids know to call the bar if you don't answer your cell.

Your idea of hiding is parking in front of the Double J and walking to Rascals.

Weddings, Women, and the Media

Vol. 1: Don't Get Screwed Before the Honeymoon

For some stupid reason I was thinking about how much the media has skewed women’s ideals with regard to jewelry, weddings, and other frivolities, when I decided to sit down and just get out in the open what any prospective partner should expect should they even entertain the notion of courting me.

Keep in mind that this is only a rough draft, and while certain items are non-negotiable (See “The Electric Slide”), I am open to the possibility of compromise on others, depending on how stupid you are being.

Wedding/Engagement Ring

There is a high probability that your ring may be purchased from the pawn shop. Please don’t mistake thriftiness for lack of feeling towards you. This is due mostly to fiscal responsibility, but also to a knowledge that no woman is literally worth her weight in gold. Remember, as is so often the case with the bride themselves, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.

Catering

The night before our wedding will be spent not in nervous yet romantic anticipation, but rather preparing the majority of the food for the reception. There is absolutely no reason to spend an astronomical amount of money on catering, feeding people who are only there for the booze anyway. Ninety percent of those in attendance will probably be there for the bride anyway, so they can eat hotdogs and potato salad for all I care.

Music

Under no circumstance will the following songs be played at our wedding: “The Electric Slide”, “Macarena”, “YMCA”, or “Boot Scootin’ Boogie”. I detest both these “songs” and their corresponding “dances”, and will not tolerate them. This is a wedding, not a steak fry. Those wishing to dance will have ample opportunity to demonstrate their skills to Chopin’s Waltz Op.64 No.1.

DJs will strictly adhere to prearranged music, and may not deviate for any reason from said list. Doing so will result in forfeiture of payment. I will not have some asshole substituting Bryan Adams’ “Run To You” or "Heaven" with such abominations as “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman” or “(Everything I Do) I Do it for You”.

Guests

Our wedding will be by invitation only, and guests will be admitted only after showing proper ID. There will be security at all entrances.

Honeymoon

Our honeymoon will be spent playing Scrabble, chess, or Monopoly, after which time you will be free to do whatever while I sit on the computer and drink coffee, or depending on the day’s events, beer.

Breaking News: Local Man Has Too Much Time on HIs Hands

“Sorry Mario, but our princess is in another castle”. I’ve seen this message a million times, but the implications of it just dawned on me. “If this isn’t the kid I’m looking for, then who the Hell’s kid is this?! As a matter of fact, who are all of these kids?!” Having not subscribed to the Mushroom Kingdom Amber Alert System, it had apparently slipped past me that there had been a rash of kidnappings.

What’s equally concerning is the fact that the police are depending on a local plumber to find these kids. Are cutbacks getting that bad? Then I realized that I was more than likely correct in my assumptions. Look at Mario’s hands. White gloves. Ah ha! Mario was in the middle of traffic duty when the call came in.

Anyway, me being me, I imagined a news article, probably going something like this:


Mushroom Kingdom Monitor

______________________________________________________________________________

Friday, September 18, 2009 Page 5
______________________________________________________________________________

Abduction Brings Total to Eight

Police Look to Plumbers for Help


Police were called to 1985 Nes Blvd early Tuesday morning concerning a possible abduction. Mr. and Mrs. Toadstool contacted police at approximately 7:15 am, after it was discovered that their daughter, Princess Toadstool, was missing from the residence.

This recent kidnapping is just one of a string of abductions taking place recently in Mushroom Kingdom, bringing the total of abducted children to 8, and comes as yet another blow to the Mushroom Kingdom Police Department, following the recent announcement concerning cuts to the department’s funding.

When asked about the possible effects of recent on current investigations, Chief Portabella replied, “Unfortunately we have had to cut back our force, and this may in fact impact ongoing investigations concerning these recent abductions. However, we have begun looking at Italian plumbers as a less expensive option in supplementing our remaining force.”

One such plumber, Mario Mario, made headlines Wednesday, when after having found one of the now 8 missing children, left the child in the hands of her captor after it was discovered that she was in fact not Princess Toadstool.

The child’s parents, Mr. and Mrs. Enoki, released a statement late Thursday evening, claiming incompetence on the part of the MKPD. In addition to accusing the department of prioritizing high profile abductions, such as those of wealthy families like the Toadstools, the statement calls for the immediate termination of Mario Mario, and for the resignation of Chief Portabella.

When questioned about these accusations, Chief Portabella replied, “We were called about a specific abduction case, and upon identification, it was discovered that this child was not the child we were looking for. The plumber followed standard procedure.”

There is no P in our Lake of Fire. Please keep it that way.

Ok, so I go down to check the mail today, anxiously awaiting my new KFC coupons, and find a flyer in the door from the Lava Ave. Baptist Church. I figured it was another one of those “Come join us. Blah, blah, blah.” type things, but I opened it just to see what they were offering as far as free diners. And this is what I saw:

“(1)You are guilty of sin. (2) Because you have sinned, you deserve to go to Hell!!”

Well, that’s a fine how-do-you-do at ten o’clock in the morning. Notice the two exclamation marks. I guess one exclamation mark would’ve downplayed the importance of my redemption, while three would be blowing things out of proportion.

Anyway, Lava Ave. Baptist Church: it’s people like you that make me hope that there is a god, because I would risk an eternity in Hell to see him bitch slap your ass for acting like such goof.