In nomine Yahoo, et Ebay, et Spiritus Googli...

I've been on the internet for, I don't know, like 10 years now, yet surprisingly the internet knows very little about me. By “internet”, I of course mean the omnipotent entity that created and oversees such sites as Facebook, Ebay, Amazon, and Plenty of Fish (all created from the rib of Yahoo, I might add).

I've spent way too much of my life online for the almighty internet to know so little about me. I equate surfing with praying, and as such have come to realize that many of my cyber prayers have fallen on deaf ears. Yes, I bought a few things for my ex on Amazon, but I am not interested in women's fashion. Hell, I'm not even interested in my own fashion. I bought one women's belt buckle, but that one purchase seems to negate the countless 00g plugs I've bought. Now I receive emails informing me of some line of clothing created/inspired by the crack house of fashion: the Kardashians.

Ebay, on the other hand, at least seems to be trying, although it also seems to have a rather low opinion of me. Despite only having ordered from American sellers, Ebay feels rather confident that I would be interested in .99 deals from China. These .99 deals are also usually accompanied by a $20 shipping fee, and a 4-6 week estimated delivery. See what I'm saying? In essence, Ebay is saying “Hello, unpatriotic American. We know you're an idiot, and we know how little you care about the U.S. economy; may we suggest this 10 wrap fancy tattoo liner/shader gun machine from SuperHonestCowboySeller (99.2% Positive feedback)”.

Facebook? Eh. Facebook is more like a church than the act of an entity. You go, talk to a few people, compare clothing, and brag about your kids. But in order to do so, you have to put something in the collection plate (ads).

Chances are if you're sitting at home, and bored enough to actually read this blog, you already know what Plenty of Fish is. For those new to the whole “Hmm. What should I do until the mail gets here?” lifestyle, Plenty of Fish is a free dating site, where a woman who “tells it like it is” and whose “kids come first ALWAYS”, can meet a man whose idea of a good time is blasting off crotch shots to any female within a 50 mile radius, in the hopes of finding “the one”.

Seeing as how my personality sucks, and I have nothing to do while waiting for the mail, I signed up for POF.

I'm not exactly sure what credentials the internet uses to suggest possible matches, but Jesus...er, I mean Google! No, I'm not interested in the 42 year old that lives in Kentucky. Nor am I interested in the 18 year old mother of 4 in Ohio. As a matter of fact, I try to avoid Ohio, Kentucky, and mothers of 4 at all costs, as I've never had a good time in any of them.

Call me when you find a 30-32 year old redhead within 10 miles of me with <2 kids, and no unconfirmed, yet convenient, medical conditions.

Amen.

Yay, I'm back!

After countless emails concerning my whereabouts, and the status of this blog, I'm finally back. Thank you for the prayers and well wishes, by the way. I'm sure the 9 year old with cancer appreciates being skipped over, but whatever. Thanks.

Anyway, expect to see a bit more activity here in the near future. I have way too much to complain about, way too much to make fun of, and way too much time on my hands.

Luck you.

New Policy Aimed at Protecting Leprechauns from Bullying

The McMac County Board of Education has introduced a new policy aimed at combating school bullying, following a recent rise in what officials are calling "Leprechaun targeted bullying".

"Leprechauns account for only 3% of our school's population, which makes them the minority. As we've seen in the past, minorities are often the targets of bullying simply for being just that: a minority," said B. Larney High School principal Mikey McMickers.

Like many others, McMickers also believes that stereotyping and misconceptions have possibly played a role in how Leprechaun bullying has been handled in the past.

"Many people believe that since Leprechauns are of Irish descent, there has been little need to intervene on their behalf; that they can handle themselves. The truth is, many Leprechauns are passive, shy individuals, with hearts (and pots) of gold, who would rather avoid conflict if at all possible," McMickers adds. He also believes that their small stature and general inability to defend themselves make Leprechauns "prime targets for bullies."

"Not a day gone by when I haven't felt threatened," says sophomore Seamus O'Malley, who claims that bullying has become an everyday occurrence for him at B. Larney High School.

"At the bus stop, on the bus, at school; they plague me at e'ry turn, they do," O'Malley states.

The new proposal would not only broaden the definition of bullying, to include actions which are seen as "group specific", but would also add Leprechauns to the list of those who are most at risk for becoming victims of bullying.

Many civil rights groups, including the Leprechaun-American Civil Rights League, have called the new proposal a significant step forward in protecting Leprechaun students.

"Often times, Leprechauns are apprehensive in coming forward with reports of bullying for fear of retaliation," says Mary McMiller, a spokesperson for the Leprechaun-American Civil Rights League.

The new proposal would also extend the definition of "bullying", as officials have found that the methods used often differ greatly not only for each individual, but in many instances, for each group.

"Bullying can take many forms, and often differs from one victim to the next. But in the case of Leprechauns, we've found that bullying is often in the form of theft." McMiller adds.

O'Malley says that he is all too familiar with this form of bullying, stating that he is often the victim of bully theft.

"E'ry day they steal me gold, and I'm left with no way to pay for me lunch," Says O'Malley.

School officials have urged leprechauns to use debits cards instead of gold, as a precaution against theft at school.

Scientists Scramble as Death Star Approaches

With the Galactic Empire’s Death Star looming ever closer to Earth, many scientists are scrambling in preparation for what many are calling “the beginning of the end”.

Others, including Texas governor and Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry, have slightly different concerns

“I’m not concerned with the possibility of complete annihilation. What I’m concerned with, as should every other God-fearing American, is whether same-sex marriages are being performed in the Death Star”, Perry stated in a press conference Monday.

When asked for his thoughts on the possible implications of the Death Star’s approach, Senator McCain (R-Ariz) stated, “Obviously, the Death Star is rarely a welcome sight in any solar system, but we mustn’t be too quick to assume the worst. They could just be passing through.”

Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain, however, believes that anyone harmed as a result of the approaching space station have only themselves to blame. When speaking with reporters early Monday morning, Cain was quoted as saying, “If you get blown up by the Death Star, blame yourself.’

Scientists have considered various options in the likelihood of an attack, including launching nuclear warheads, aimed at an exhaust vent along the perimeter of the space station.

“We had considered blowing it up, but the chances of hitting it in just the right spot are minimal at best”, said one scientist, adding that the size of vent is a mere two meters wide, or 'roughly the size of a womp rat”.

BreatheAway (Respritox Eliminide)

Inhaling… Exhaling…. For those suffering from breathing, the process can be exhausting, and painful.

Every year, millions of Americans are diagnosed with breathing.

If you’re one of the millions suffering from breathing, you know how debilitating it can be. The constant drawing of air, blowing it back out; each time leaving you hoping that this breath will be the last.

Now there’s help.

BreatheAway- the only FDA approved medication clinically proven to end breathing once and for all.

In a recent studies, BreatheAway was shown to significantly reduce, or eliminate, breathing in nearly 98% of patients. In most studies, people taking BreatheAway stopped breathing within 48 to 72 hours.

Side effects may include: decreased pulmonary function, loss of vision or consciousness, fatigue, muscle stiffness, and dry mouth. Taking BreatheAway may affect your ability to drive, operate machinery, or make long-term plans. Women who are pregnant, nursing, or may become pregnant, should not take BreatheAway.

Ask your doctor is BreatheAway is right for you.

Because no one should have to suffer with breathing.

Applying to Wal-Mart: A Simple Guide for Simple People

Filling out a Wal-Mart application can be a daunting task. Your name, address, phone number; how do they expect you to remember all that? Well, fear not. The following tutorial will not only walk you through the process of applying for the coveted position of “Wal-Mart Associate”, but will provide you the hints and tricks needed to ensure that you stand out from the countless number of people that apply each year to America’s favorite purveyor of foreign goods.

Applying
For many applying at Wal-Mart, this is the hardest part. Whether due to anxiety or sheer lack of schoolin’, many people tend to forget pertinent information, such as their name or address. To reduce the chance of such an occurrence, take a moment to write down all of your information beforehand on a separate sheet of paper, and take it with you. Be sure to include work history (if any), education (if any), and personal references (if any). Should you forget to bring this information with you, or if you simply cannot read your own writing, announce slowly (yet firmly) that you are illiterate. As the nation’s leading employer of educationally-challenged individuals, this will only serve to help your chances of being hired. To further your chances within the Wal-Mart family, announce your illiteracy from the comfort of an electric scooter.

Dress for the Job
Wal-Mart prides itself on the level of individuality displayed by it’s associates, but during the application/interview process it’s important to convey to the manager that you are Wal-Mart through and through.

Wal-Mart is the U.S.’s leading carrier of NASCAR merchandise, and any NASCAR clothing is sure to impress during your interview. Not only will your Earnhardt t-shirt show your knowledge of Wal-Mart merchandise, it will convey a sense of “team spirit” to the manager. Remember there is no “I” in “pit crew”.
If, however, you are one of the 2% of Wal-Mart customers who do not own any NASCAR related clothing, simply choose a shirt commemorating your favorite team’s last bowl game.

The Interview
During the interview process, you will be asked many questions regarding your skills and previous experience. Answer the questions honestly, but don’t be afraid to emphasize your strengths. Be creative if necessary. For example, recount a short story about the time you kept your cousin-in-law from beating his wife, to show that you are adept in “conflict resolution”. Or perhaps tell of the time you repaired the tailgate of your brother’s truck using only duct tape and a pocket knife. This says to the manager that you are a problem solver, and are able to think on your feet.

If all else fails, remember that any question asked within the walls of Wal-Mart can be answered by simply responding “Not my department”.

Rapture Survival List: Vol. 1- Entertainment

The end times are sure to be hectic times, so you’ll probably need some form of entertainment to take your mind off of your impending eternity in Hell. In an effort to do my part for mankind, with the least amount of effort possible, I've compiled a list of must-haves that are not only entertaining, but informative.

Despite the fact that most radio execs will probably be denied entrance into Heaven (mostly on principle), you may want to play it safe and make up a mix tape. I suggest the following:

“Black Hole Sun” - Soundgarden

“It’s the End of the World (And I feel Fine)”- REM (Just because the end is here, doesn’t mean you have to be all down. Take a tip from these guys.)

“Rapture”- Blondie (Duh)

“Jesus Doesn’t Want Me for a Sunbeam”- Nirvana (Just remember, you weren’t the only one who didn’t get picked for Jesus’ kickball team)

“For Whom the Bell Tolls”- Metallica (Because.)

“Scotland the Brave” (Even demons hate bagpipes. Ensures a 4 minute head start for all Celtic persons)

“Tribute”- Tenacious D (Possibly the most important song of the list. Demon Fighting 101- Lesson 1: Demons can only be defeated in a battle of the bands.)

"The Devil Went Down to Georgia"- The Charlie Daniels Band (If Hell is in fact Hell, chances are Satan is a country fan. 'Plan B' to Lesson 1.)


You may want to pirate some movies while you can, too. I find the following to be the most educational with regard to coming events:

Mad Max

I am Legend

The Godfather (Again, because.)

Beavis and Butt-Head Do America

South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut

The Stand (Demon Fighting 101- Lesson 2: Beware of anyone resembling Mel Gibson.)

Crossroads (See lesson 1)


Chances are 7/11 will be open, as it is after all 'Hell’s food court'; so I suggest grabbing these essential reading materials (and nachos):

Guns & Ammo (Because chances are you don’t know how to properly maintain a Barrett M82A1 .50 cal.)

Maxim (Just because the world is ending, it doesn’t mean you can’t keep up with the latest news, gadgets, and men’s fashions.)

Fangoria (Pretty much gives you worse case scenarios.)

PC Gamer (If any magazine can offer advice of defeating dark forces, it would be this one.)


That’s about it, as far as entrainment goes. I didn’t put porn on the list because if B movies and Quentin Tarantino have taught us anything, it’s that: where there’s Hell, there’s hot chicks.

Oh, and don’t forget to charge your iPods and cell phones.