If I Were President: State of the Union

Madam Speaker, Vice President Cena, members of Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow Americans:

The state of the Union is awesome!

This year has seen the end of the war on terror, thanks to the dissolution of both the Republican and Democratic parties. In light of information revealing that Osama Bin Laden had in fact been captured in 2002, and that leaders of both the Republican and Democratic parties were responsible for covering up this information in order to see continued revenue from the sales of patriotic bumper stickers and magnets, and t-shirts depicting the bald eagle in various forms of inspirational flight, we had no choice but to ban both parties.

The economy has never been stronger, thanks in part to my ingenious idea to replace cash with Wendy’s coupons. Legislation passed has also brought about the return of the original $.99 Menu, allowing Americans to once again purchase Biggie fries and drinks for $.99.

Thanks to Defense Secretary Chuck Norris, our borders are secure. The very idea that he is personally patrolling our southern border has decreased the number of individuals attempting to cross into our country by 84% within the past year.
Despite his repeated removal from U.N. meetings for heckling members of the council, Secretary of State Jack Nicholson has made great strides in foreign relations. Secretary Nicholson was also responsible for Iranian president Mahmoud
Ahmadinejad’s agreeing to cease his country’s production of enriched uranium, after merely staring at him and smiling for 12 minutes.

I am also pleased to announce my appointment of Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong as co-Secretaries of Agriculture. Under their leadership, it is my hope that by 2012 the U.S. will have gone 100% green, which will in turn trickle down into the spending of more Wendy’s coupons, leading to the creation of more jobs.

This year has also seen a decrease in the number of obese children, thanks to the bold move on the part of the President’s Council on Physical Fitness to replace outdated physical education activities such as basketball and jumping rope with new activities such as skateboarding and shopping cart racing. These new changes come as a direct result of the appointment of both Tony Hawk and Johnny Knoxville to the council.

Lastly, I would like to congratulate the U.S. Surgeon General David Sedaris. Thanks to his “No Germ Left Behind” policy, which requires all Americans to sanitize their hands and to wear rubber or latex gloves at all times, we have seen a significant reduction in preventable illnesses. Lung cancer, however, is at an all time high.

"Whatever You Like (within Reason)"

You know, popular culture has made it rather difficult for those of whom are impoverished to make an impression on the ladies. Ice, bling, stacks, designer bags? Uh huh. Cubic zirconia, plated, 6 ones, and knock-offs maybe.

The latest culprit in this cultural economic gap is T.I. I do like the song “Whatever You Like”, but it definitely raises the bar far too high for the rest of us. So me being me, what do I do? Instead of getting a job and actually trying to attain this level of sociocultural acceptance, I decided to just rewrite the song.

“Whatever You Like (within Reason)”

Stamps on deck
Big K on ice
And we can pop bottles all night
Baby you can have whatever you like (you like)
I said, you can have whatever you like (you like)
Yeah
Late night sex so dirty, so right
I'll call up a cab for you tonight
Baby you could go where ever you like (you like)
I said you could go where ever you like (you like)
Yeah

Anytime you want to pick up the telephone
You know it ain't nothin' to drop a couple stamps on you
Want it, you could get it my dear
Put $20 on your rent or electric I swear

Yeah I want yo body, I need yo body
As long you got me you wont need nobody
You want it I got it, go put it on layaway
Tell 'em other broke crackas go away

Stamps on deck
Big K on ice
And we can pop bottles all night
Baby you can have whatever you like (you like)
I said, you can have whatever you like (you like)
Yeah
Late night sex so dirty, so right
I'll call up a cab for you tonight
Baby you could go where ever you like (you like)
I said you could go where ever you like (you like)
Yeah

Shawty you da hottest, love the way you drop it
Credit do bad (bad) swore you went to college
Washingtons I deposit, vacations at the Petropolis
Cause errbody know it ain't trickin' if ya got it
Ya need to never ever gotta go to yo wallet
Long as I got the SNAP card in my pocket
Five six rides a week, rollin’ with OVRTA
Don’t worry ‘bout the bums, if yo with me they won’t hurt ya

My chick could have what she want
And go into Claire’s for any bag she want
And know she ain't never had a man like that
To buy you anything ya heart desire like that

Yeah I want yo body, I need yo body
As long you got me you wont need nobody
You want it I got it, go put it on layaway
Tell 'em other broke crackas go away

Stamps on deck
Big K on ice
And we can pop bottles all night
Baby you can have whatever you like (you like)
I said, you can have whatever you like (you like)
Yeah
Late night sex so dirty, so right
I'll call up a cab for you tonight
Baby you could go where ever you like (you like)
I said you could go where ever you like (you like)
Yeah

I'm talkin' Big Boy burgers
And Big Boy fries
Let me put this Big Boy in yo life
The thang get so wet, it hit so right
Let me put this Big Boy in yo life
That's right

Yeah I want yo body, I need yo body
As long you got me you wont need nobody
You want it I got it, go put it on layaway
Tellem other broke crackas go away

Stamps on deck
Big K on ice
And we can pop bottles all night
Baby you can have whatever you like (you like)
I said, you can have whatever you like (you like)
Yeah
Late night sex so dirty, so right
I'll call up a cab for you tonight
Baby you could go where ever you like (you like)
I said you could go where ever you like (you like)
Yeah

*For parody use only, but go ahead and sue me...I'm broke*

I'm Not a Real Minister, But I Play One on TV...

Rev. Thomas Robertson II appeared on public broadcast this morning, revealing his beliefs into why Pat Robertson is such a douchebag.

In a 30 second interview, Robertson stated, “You know, something happened a long time ago with Pat Robertson. He and Jerry Falwell got together and swore a pact with the Republican Party. True story. And so the Republicans said, “Ok, it’s a deal”, and they kicked Larry Flint out. You know, the Republicans revolted against porn, but ever since they have been cursed with one Bush after another…”

Robertson went on to discuss Pat Robertson’s uncanny resemblance to a chimp, stating “…and as a direct result for this monkeying around, God punished Pat Robertson by giving him abnormally large ears, and a constant craving for bananas. The only difference is, a monkey is smart enough to know he’s our cousin.”

The Reverend Thomas Robertson II hosts “Fifteen Minutes of Faith”, which can be seen Sunday mornings at 4:15 am on BET.

From the Crying Game to the Dating Game: Tips to Turn Your Sad Love Life Around

So, your girlfriend finally dropped your ass? Great! Now what? If you’ve been out of the dating scene for some time, the concept of dating may seem intimidating, and even a bit nauseating, but with the following tips you will be scoring in no time.

Now, aside from a pocket full of candy and the handful of condoms you pilfered from the local health department, there are things you will need. First and foremost, you need a car. Riding someone on the handlebars of your Huffy is neither fun nor cool past the age of 12. If you live in the city you may be able to get away with riding the bus, assuming you’re playing the starving artist angle, but everyone else needs a car. If you already have a car, remember to remove the seventeen McDonald’s bags from your back seat before picking up your date.

Secondly, you will need a cell phone. Standing outside a chick’s house in the middle of the night may have seemed romantic in the 80s, but today it is called “stalking”. If you’re a high school or even college student, you may be able to get away with this, but a 30 year old man attempting this is just sad, and rather creepy (according to most judges). There are plenty of “pay as you go” phones available, so even if you’re still waiting on your 6 month raise at Burger King, fear not. So long as you can afford to put $5 on your phone, this will at least enable you to receive calls. From there, drop two quarters into the nearest pay phone and simply tell your target that your cell phone is acting up, and until your new iPhone is in, it looks like you’re stuck using the pay phone to return calls.

You will need a wingman. Your mom, while seemingly the perfect candidate, will not work. Sure, she can make you sound good to anyone, but having your mother invite a hottie’s homely best friend over for a fun night of Scrabble so you and your target can get it on is probably not the best idea in the world.

Always have a cigarette to offer. Even if you don’t smoke, the correlation between smoking and promiscuity should be enough to prompt you to invest $5 in a pack of Marlboro Reds. Nurture her inner bad girl; she’ll thank you later.
Learn to dance. If you’re white, learn to look good standing still, ‘cause it just ain’t happening.

Now it’s time to toss out those clever novelty shirts your mom got you from Family Dollar, and get some new threads. Purchase, or better yet steal, the most recent copy of GQ. Pick one or two outfits, tear the pages out, and head to Wal-Mart. Good Luck.
Assuming you didn’t blow your entire $80 paycheck on clearance Dickies, it’s time to find some new cologne. Choose something with an anti-theft tag rather than anything sitting on the shelf, and steer clear of anything offering “33% More”. Your dad may have worn Old Spice, but look what that got him (no offence).

So there you go. You are now on your way to full playa status. In the next article we will discuss pick up lines, body language, and circumventing restraining orders.