From the Crying Game to the Dating Game: Tips to Turn Your Sad Love Life Around

So, your girlfriend finally dropped your ass? Great! Now what? If you’ve been out of the dating scene for some time, the concept of dating may seem intimidating, and even a bit nauseating, but with the following tips you will be scoring in no time.

Now, aside from a pocket full of candy and the handful of condoms you pilfered from the local health department, there are things you will need. First and foremost, you need a car. Riding someone on the handlebars of your Huffy is neither fun nor cool past the age of 12. If you live in the city you may be able to get away with riding the bus, assuming you’re playing the starving artist angle, but everyone else needs a car. If you already have a car, remember to remove the seventeen McDonald’s bags from your back seat before picking up your date.

Secondly, you will need a cell phone. Standing outside a chick’s house in the middle of the night may have seemed romantic in the 80s, but today it is called “stalking”. If you’re a high school or even college student, you may be able to get away with this, but a 30 year old man attempting this is just sad, and rather creepy (according to most judges). There are plenty of “pay as you go” phones available, so even if you’re still waiting on your 6 month raise at Burger King, fear not. So long as you can afford to put $5 on your phone, this will at least enable you to receive calls. From there, drop two quarters into the nearest pay phone and simply tell your target that your cell phone is acting up, and until your new iPhone is in, it looks like you’re stuck using the pay phone to return calls.

You will need a wingman. Your mom, while seemingly the perfect candidate, will not work. Sure, she can make you sound good to anyone, but having your mother invite a hottie’s homely best friend over for a fun night of Scrabble so you and your target can get it on is probably not the best idea in the world.

Always have a cigarette to offer. Even if you don’t smoke, the correlation between smoking and promiscuity should be enough to prompt you to invest $5 in a pack of Marlboro Reds. Nurture her inner bad girl; she’ll thank you later.
Learn to dance. If you’re white, learn to look good standing still, ‘cause it just ain’t happening.

Now it’s time to toss out those clever novelty shirts your mom got you from Family Dollar, and get some new threads. Purchase, or better yet steal, the most recent copy of GQ. Pick one or two outfits, tear the pages out, and head to Wal-Mart. Good Luck.
Assuming you didn’t blow your entire $80 paycheck on clearance Dickies, it’s time to find some new cologne. Choose something with an anti-theft tag rather than anything sitting on the shelf, and steer clear of anything offering “33% More”. Your dad may have worn Old Spice, but look what that got him (no offence).

So there you go. You are now on your way to full playa status. In the next article we will discuss pick up lines, body language, and circumventing restraining orders.