New Policy Aimed at Protecting Leprechauns from Bullying

The McMac County Board of Education has introduced a new policy aimed at combating school bullying, following a recent rise in what officials are calling "Leprechaun targeted bullying".

"Leprechauns account for only 3% of our school's population, which makes them the minority. As we've seen in the past, minorities are often the targets of bullying simply for being just that: a minority," said B. Larney High School principal Mikey McMickers.

Like many others, McMickers also believes that stereotyping and misconceptions have possibly played a role in how Leprechaun bullying has been handled in the past.

"Many people believe that since Leprechauns are of Irish descent, there has been little need to intervene on their behalf; that they can handle themselves. The truth is, many Leprechauns are passive, shy individuals, with hearts (and pots) of gold, who would rather avoid conflict if at all possible," McMickers adds. He also believes that their small stature and general inability to defend themselves make Leprechauns "prime targets for bullies."

"Not a day gone by when I haven't felt threatened," says sophomore Seamus O'Malley, who claims that bullying has become an everyday occurrence for him at B. Larney High School.

"At the bus stop, on the bus, at school; they plague me at e'ry turn, they do," O'Malley states.

The new proposal would not only broaden the definition of bullying, to include actions which are seen as "group specific", but would also add Leprechauns to the list of those who are most at risk for becoming victims of bullying.

Many civil rights groups, including the Leprechaun-American Civil Rights League, have called the new proposal a significant step forward in protecting Leprechaun students.

"Often times, Leprechauns are apprehensive in coming forward with reports of bullying for fear of retaliation," says Mary McMiller, a spokesperson for the Leprechaun-American Civil Rights League.

The new proposal would also extend the definition of "bullying", as officials have found that the methods used often differ greatly not only for each individual, but in many instances, for each group.

"Bullying can take many forms, and often differs from one victim to the next. But in the case of Leprechauns, we've found that bullying is often in the form of theft." McMiller adds.

O'Malley says that he is all too familiar with this form of bullying, stating that he is often the victim of bully theft.

"E'ry day they steal me gold, and I'm left with no way to pay for me lunch," Says O'Malley.

School officials have urged leprechauns to use debits cards instead of gold, as a precaution against theft at school.

Scientists Scramble as Death Star Approaches

With the Galactic Empire’s Death Star looming ever closer to Earth, many scientists are scrambling in preparation for what many are calling “the beginning of the end”.

Others, including Texas governor and Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry, have slightly different concerns

“I’m not concerned with the possibility of complete annihilation. What I’m concerned with, as should every other God-fearing American, is whether same-sex marriages are being performed in the Death Star”, Perry stated in a press conference Monday.

When asked for his thoughts on the possible implications of the Death Star’s approach, Senator McCain (R-Ariz) stated, “Obviously, the Death Star is rarely a welcome sight in any solar system, but we mustn’t be too quick to assume the worst. They could just be passing through.”

Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain, however, believes that anyone harmed as a result of the approaching space station have only themselves to blame. When speaking with reporters early Monday morning, Cain was quoted as saying, “If you get blown up by the Death Star, blame yourself.’

Scientists have considered various options in the likelihood of an attack, including launching nuclear warheads, aimed at an exhaust vent along the perimeter of the space station.

“We had considered blowing it up, but the chances of hitting it in just the right spot are minimal at best”, said one scientist, adding that the size of vent is a mere two meters wide, or 'roughly the size of a womp rat”.

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