Rapture Survival List: Vol. 1- Entertainment

The end times are sure to be hectic times, so you’ll probably need some form of entertainment to take your mind off of your impending eternity in Hell. In an effort to do my part for mankind, with the least amount of effort possible, I've compiled a list of must-haves that are not only entertaining, but informative.

Despite the fact that most radio execs will probably be denied entrance into Heaven (mostly on principle), you may want to play it safe and make up a mix tape. I suggest the following:

“Black Hole Sun” - Soundgarden

“It’s the End of the World (And I feel Fine)”- REM (Just because the end is here, doesn’t mean you have to be all down. Take a tip from these guys.)

“Rapture”- Blondie (Duh)

“Jesus Doesn’t Want Me for a Sunbeam”- Nirvana (Just remember, you weren’t the only one who didn’t get picked for Jesus’ kickball team)

“For Whom the Bell Tolls”- Metallica (Because.)

“Scotland the Brave” (Even demons hate bagpipes. Ensures a 4 minute head start for all Celtic persons)

“Tribute”- Tenacious D (Possibly the most important song of the list. Demon Fighting 101- Lesson 1: Demons can only be defeated in a battle of the bands.)

"The Devil Went Down to Georgia"- The Charlie Daniels Band (If Hell is in fact Hell, chances are Satan is a country fan. 'Plan B' to Lesson 1.)


You may want to pirate some movies while you can, too. I find the following to be the most educational with regard to coming events:

Mad Max

I am Legend

The Godfather (Again, because.)

Beavis and Butt-Head Do America

South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut

The Stand (Demon Fighting 101- Lesson 2: Beware of anyone resembling Mel Gibson.)

Crossroads (See lesson 1)


Chances are 7/11 will be open, as it is after all 'Hell’s food court'; so I suggest grabbing these essential reading materials (and nachos):

Guns & Ammo (Because chances are you don’t know how to properly maintain a Barrett M82A1 .50 cal.)

Maxim (Just because the world is ending, it doesn’t mean you can’t keep up with the latest news, gadgets, and men’s fashions.)

Fangoria (Pretty much gives you worse case scenarios.)

PC Gamer (If any magazine can offer advice of defeating dark forces, it would be this one.)


That’s about it, as far as entrainment goes. I didn’t put porn on the list because if B movies and Quentin Tarantino have taught us anything, it’s that: where there’s Hell, there’s hot chicks.

Oh, and don’t forget to charge your iPods and cell phones.