I've been on the internet for, I don't
know, like 10 years now, yet surprisingly the internet knows very
little about me. By “internet”, I of course mean the omnipotent
entity that created and oversees such sites as Facebook, Ebay,
Amazon, and Plenty of Fish (all created from the rib of Yahoo, I
might add).
I've spent way too much of my life
online for the almighty internet to know so little about me. I equate
surfing with praying, and as such have come to realize that many of
my cyber prayers have fallen on deaf ears. Yes, I bought a few things
for my ex on Amazon, but I am not interested in women's fashion.
Hell, I'm not even interested in my own fashion. I bought one women's
belt buckle, but that one purchase seems to negate the countless 00g
plugs I've bought. Now I receive emails informing me of some line of
clothing created/inspired by the crack house of fashion: the
Kardashians.
Ebay, on the other hand, at least seems
to be trying, although it also seems to have a rather low opinion of
me. Despite only having ordered from American sellers, Ebay feels
rather confident that I would be interested in .99 deals from China.
These .99 deals are also usually accompanied by a $20 shipping fee,
and a 4-6 week estimated delivery. See what I'm saying? In essence,
Ebay is saying “Hello, unpatriotic American. We know you're an
idiot, and we know how little you care about the U.S. economy; may we
suggest this 10 wrap fancy tattoo liner/shader gun machine from
SuperHonestCowboySeller (99.2% Positive feedback)”.
Facebook? Eh. Facebook is more like a
church than the act of an entity. You go, talk to a few people,
compare clothing, and brag about your kids. But in order to do so,
you have to put something in the collection plate (ads).
Chances are if you're sitting at home,
and bored enough to actually read this blog, you already know what
Plenty of Fish is. For those new to the whole “Hmm. What should I
do until the mail gets here?” lifestyle, Plenty of Fish is a free
dating site, where a woman who “tells it like it is” and whose
“kids come first ALWAYS”, can meet a man whose idea of a good
time is blasting off crotch shots to any female within a 50 mile
radius, in the hopes of finding “the one”.
Seeing as how my personality sucks, and
I have nothing to do while waiting for the mail, I signed up for POF.
I'm not exactly sure what credentials
the internet uses to suggest possible matches, but Jesus...er, I mean
Google! No, I'm not interested in the 42 year old that lives in
Kentucky. Nor am I interested in the 18 year old mother of 4 in Ohio.
As a matter of fact, I try to avoid Ohio, Kentucky, and mothers of 4
at all costs, as I've never had a good time in any of them.
Call me when you find a 30-32 year old
redhead within 10 miles of me with <2 kids, and no unconfirmed,
yet convenient, medical conditions.
Amen.
