If I Were President: State of the Union

Madam Speaker, Vice President Cena, members of Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow Americans:

The state of the Union is awesome!

This year has seen the end of the war on terror, thanks to the dissolution of both the Republican and Democratic parties. In light of information revealing that Osama Bin Laden had in fact been captured in 2002, and that leaders of both the Republican and Democratic parties were responsible for covering up this information in order to see continued revenue from the sales of patriotic bumper stickers and magnets, and t-shirts depicting the bald eagle in various forms of inspirational flight, we had no choice but to ban both parties.

The economy has never been stronger, thanks in part to my ingenious idea to replace cash with Wendy’s coupons. Legislation passed has also brought about the return of the original $.99 Menu, allowing Americans to once again purchase Biggie fries and drinks for $.99.

Thanks to Defense Secretary Chuck Norris, our borders are secure. The very idea that he is personally patrolling our southern border has decreased the number of individuals attempting to cross into our country by 84% within the past year.
Despite his repeated removal from U.N. meetings for heckling members of the council, Secretary of State Jack Nicholson has made great strides in foreign relations. Secretary Nicholson was also responsible for Iranian president Mahmoud
Ahmadinejad’s agreeing to cease his country’s production of enriched uranium, after merely staring at him and smiling for 12 minutes.

I am also pleased to announce my appointment of Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong as co-Secretaries of Agriculture. Under their leadership, it is my hope that by 2012 the U.S. will have gone 100% green, which will in turn trickle down into the spending of more Wendy’s coupons, leading to the creation of more jobs.

This year has also seen a decrease in the number of obese children, thanks to the bold move on the part of the President’s Council on Physical Fitness to replace outdated physical education activities such as basketball and jumping rope with new activities such as skateboarding and shopping cart racing. These new changes come as a direct result of the appointment of both Tony Hawk and Johnny Knoxville to the council.

Lastly, I would like to congratulate the U.S. Surgeon General David Sedaris. Thanks to his “No Germ Left Behind” policy, which requires all Americans to sanitize their hands and to wear rubber or latex gloves at all times, we have seen a significant reduction in preventable illnesses. Lung cancer, however, is at an all time high.