"The Christmas Teeth"

I absolutely hate "The Christmas Shoes". Hate it, hate it, hate it! That and "Mary Did You Know?", and "Cup of Christmas Tea". To quote one of only memorable lines Ben Stiller has ever uttered, "You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up!"

Also, there are not many Christmas songs for us here Appalachians, so this rewrite serves two purposes.

If you must, have a happy holiday season.

THE CHRISTMAS TEETH

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in the Wal-Mart line
Trying to buy that last can of Skoal, hoping that they served it cold
Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing ‘round like he had to pee
And in his hand he held a set of teeth

His clothes were worn and old, and his jacket black and gold
And when it came time to pay
I couldn’t believe what I heard his say

Sir, I want to buy these teeth for my Mama, please
It’s Christmas Eve and these teeth are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Pa said there ain’t much time
You see, dinner’s been cooking quite a while
And I know these teeth will fix her smile
And I want her to be able to chew, when Mama eats dinner tonight

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said, “Son, there ain’t ‘nough here”
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me
He said, “Mama made Christmas good at our house
Though most years we all just did without out
Tell me sir, you wanna buy some weed,
So I can buy her these Christmas teeth?”

So I laid the 411 down, told him there’s plenty of jobs around
I’ll never forget the look on his face as he grabbed my wallet and ran out the place

Sir, I want to buy these teeth for my Mama, please
It’s Christmas Eve and these teeth are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Pa said there ain’t much time
You see, dinner’s been cooking quite a while
And I know these teeth will fix her smile
And I want her to be able to chew, when Mama eats dinner tonight

*For parody and amusement only.