Breaking News: Local Man Has Too Much Time on HIs Hands

“Sorry Mario, but our princess is in another castle”. I’ve seen this message a million times, but the implications of it just dawned on me. “If this isn’t the kid I’m looking for, then who the Hell’s kid is this?! As a matter of fact, who are all of these kids?!” Having not subscribed to the Mushroom Kingdom Amber Alert System, it had apparently slipped past me that there had been a rash of kidnappings.

What’s equally concerning is the fact that the police are depending on a local plumber to find these kids. Are cutbacks getting that bad? Then I realized that I was more than likely correct in my assumptions. Look at Mario’s hands. White gloves. Ah ha! Mario was in the middle of traffic duty when the call came in.

Anyway, me being me, I imagined a news article, probably going something like this:


Mushroom Kingdom Monitor

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Friday, September 18, 2009 Page 5
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Abduction Brings Total to Eight

Police Look to Plumbers for Help


Police were called to 1985 Nes Blvd early Tuesday morning concerning a possible abduction. Mr. and Mrs. Toadstool contacted police at approximately 7:15 am, after it was discovered that their daughter, Princess Toadstool, was missing from the residence.

This recent kidnapping is just one of a string of abductions taking place recently in Mushroom Kingdom, bringing the total of abducted children to 8, and comes as yet another blow to the Mushroom Kingdom Police Department, following the recent announcement concerning cuts to the department’s funding.

When asked about the possible effects of recent on current investigations, Chief Portabella replied, “Unfortunately we have had to cut back our force, and this may in fact impact ongoing investigations concerning these recent abductions. However, we have begun looking at Italian plumbers as a less expensive option in supplementing our remaining force.”

One such plumber, Mario Mario, made headlines Wednesday, when after having found one of the now 8 missing children, left the child in the hands of her captor after it was discovered that she was in fact not Princess Toadstool.

The child’s parents, Mr. and Mrs. Enoki, released a statement late Thursday evening, claiming incompetence on the part of the MKPD. In addition to accusing the department of prioritizing high profile abductions, such as those of wealthy families like the Toadstools, the statement calls for the immediate termination of Mario Mario, and for the resignation of Chief Portabella.

When questioned about these accusations, Chief Portabella replied, “We were called about a specific abduction case, and upon identification, it was discovered that this child was not the child we were looking for. The plumber followed standard procedure.”